Hey Americans – the 2nd most important country in the world for you guys (because – you know – of that whole America First thing) just had a milestone birthday. I hope you remembered to send a card.
Nope..It’s not Russia. Not China. Not the UK.
It’s us – up here – Canada.
Why are we the 2nd most important country in the world for Americans? Well, between us we have the biggest trade relationship in the world – pushing a trillion dollars a year. We’re your single biggest trading partner – by a big, big margin. You rely on us for oil – we export 3 times more oil to you than the number 2 source – Saudi Arabia. In fact, you rely on us for a huge variety of natural resources.
We also happen to share a 5500 mile long border (the longest international border in the world). And it’s a pretty easy border to get across. In fact, much of what you think is American is actually Canadian. Ben Cartright, Captain Kirk, Perry Mason, Captain Von Trapp – all Canadians. Deadpool, the Green Hornet, that jazz pianist in La La Land, the Rock (the actor, not the province) – yep, Canadian (or at least, half Canadian in Dwayne’s case). Saturday Night Live, Superman, radio, telephones, the light bulb, basketball, the California roll, Hawaiian Pizza, you wouldn’t have any of these things if it wasn’t for a Canadian. Hell, even America’s sweetheart was Canadian. We tend to keep track of such things.
So would it kill you to sing a refrain of happy birthday? Especially since we just turned 150.
We can understand if you didn’t hear about it. A quick search on Mediapost (the online blog I write for) turned up just one article talking about our bonne fête – and that was saying how we were going to introduce you to poutine on a maple glazed donut. On behalf of Canada, I apologize for that.
It’s probably our fault. In fact, I’m sure it is. We just don’t demand your attention that much. You probably didn’t even know that July 1 was our birthday. It’s our nature – we like giving and don’t ask for much in return. Then we passive-aggressively make fun of you behind your backs. It’s Canada’s national pastime (and you thought it was hockey). Besides, we know you’ve been pre-occupied with other things – you know – like your own birthday party and the guy you put in the White House..for instance.
But, if you get a chance, drop a card in the mail. It would be a nice thing to do.